This post will be a tad bit personal for me, so I’ll say as much as I can without this sounding like a diary post, because those words are for the journal.
For the past three years of my life I continuously come back to this same disappointing place. The point where I get so comfortable in my daily routine of being the same person I’ve been for years while having the same, positive and negative people, in my life as well. I can think back to months ago when I had to move out of my apartment, go back to my mother’s house and basically start all over from where I had left off. Soon after, I made the decision to move to Minnesota with my child’s father, I can elaborate more on that at a very, very, later date. I’ve now been up here for three months and I can say, nothing.
I wanted to give up and go back. So, I kept procrastinating, passing up countless opportunities trying to focus on getting back to a place where I knew I didn’t want to be. Fear. But I had to tell myself, that is exactly what I will be doing, going backwards and I still won’t be happy. The happiness I’m constantly trying to chase is within myself and giving up wasn’t going to change that.
It baffles me the way I keep coming back to these same thoughts. The what if’s, the what could have been’s, the things and people I should have let in. I moved to get a fresh start, a new outlook on life, to grow, to recreate myself and my attitude and ride the happiness wave that I left somewhere years back. I recently discovered that excuses were my main problem area. Constantly telling myself what I can’t do, why I can’t do it, who I’m not, who I’ll never be, what I’ll never do, who I’ll never associate with, and of course the list goes on and on. That’s what someone with excuses does. You accumulate so many over the years, you don’t even realize what you’re doing anymore until it’s just you and your regrets tied in with your excuses staring back and forth at each other saying “What now?”. I woke up one day after weeks of reflection and realized, the problem was me. I take full responsibility for all the excuses I’ve ever made. Excuses are deadly to life’s progress.
When we got here, I had the most negative attitude. I am not the same person and I am beyond proud of myself for this major turn around I’ve had. I had a chance to build new family relationships and friendships but I let my daughter and I stay secluded from progress and this so called “new life” I was trying to ignite. I’ve passed up a couple of jobs since we’ve been here but I refuse to beat myself down about. I see this time as vital and precious to all of the personal growth that I’ve had and now is when everything is going to get pushed to the test. Before I got here I had lost my courage, my security, my passion for life and those around me, my compassion, my focus, my strength, my confidence, the light that automatically shines out of me, EVERYTHING. I was in a way giving up even while telling myself that I was going to make it somewhere some day.
I used to be one of those people in life that said you shouldn’t regret anything because everything in life is a lesson learned and there’s always good that possibly came from it. But lately that has been really hard for me, because although those times caused me to grow and make me more of the person I wish to be, I still dwell on all of the time wasted and the people that I let down because of my lack of compassion.
It even goes back to high school for me when I think of all the time I wasted. I could have been so much further with my writing career and countless other things but we are in the “now”. I can no longer think about the things I didn’t do in the past. It’s time to take action from this day forward that will fill me with satisfaction. The satisfaction to myself that only I can give.
Happiness will no longer escape me no matter how sad or angry I am. The happiness will no longer be days away but only for a few moments. There are still battles that I am facing within myself such as trust, and fear still tries to trick me moments through out the day but the fire beneath my feet has been lit and I can no longer hold myself back from the things I want and deserve in life. The battle is not yet won until I reach the point of my success. But as long as I fight the wars and tests that I come up against and give life and everyone around me everything I have, failure will not matter to me, because I know that true progress is being made.
You don’t want to look back on your life years later, maybe even months and realize all the things you could have done. START LIVING NOW! If not for me, your family, your friends, a higher power you answer to, or anyone else, DO IT FOR YOURSELF!
YOU DESERVE IT!
Copyright 2012 Ta’Mesha Smith