What I’ve learned in these past four months is so unbelievable. I told a friend last night, I wish I had a personal secretary that lived in my mind. She could coach me while separating the important from the irrelevant, perfectly stacking up my thoughts. My attitude is in a great place but my mind will always be scrambled. I took a Christmas vacation back down to South Carolina to visit my family and get some clarity on my initial reason for moving up to Minnesota. One of my missions were to bring back all of my notebooks that I had to leave down there. My introvert-ism kicked in heavily because I didn’t write much, didn’t have a lot of alone time because I wanted to spend as much time with my family as possible. But once I got back I got to recharge with my notebook and the couch. My notebooks mean the world to me! I’m so glad I got to bring them back with me because it felt like I had left a huge piece of me back in South Carolina, too much that I gladly needed to get back.
I’m learning to love my notebooks in a different way to where vulnerability can’t creep through so easily. I’m having to now find the balance of limiting my emotions, not being in my feelings, but finding the memories deep within me to create and relive things that have happened. Things have been this way before but it must be relearned again. I hate the feeling of being open. I tried it for a while but everything isn’t for everyone. I would love to be the caring, compassionate driven, all in or nothing person that I’ve been striving to be. But it takes too much energy that I just can’t afford to use at this moment. Let’s just say I can only be compassionate towards the things and people that are most important. The things that won’t continue to throw salt on my open wounds. Being an artist is truly a lonely life to live. An open, vulnerable, lonely, confusing life. But it’s still so beautiful and I couldn’t have this life any other way.
Copyright 2012 Ta’Mesha Smith